The Quest To Find True Beauty

I am told that we all have our own definitions of beauty. As individuals, we all see things differently and judge beauty in our own way. If that's the case, why do so many of us feel that we aren't beautiful? Why are we still given a standard to measure ourselves in order to feel beautiful which translates into feeling valuable? Why do so many put value on looks to the point that we now have several generations of women who feel less than valuable? Even those who match society's standard of beauty continue to hunt down perfection in the form of weight loss, plastic surgery and beauty treatments. I have decided, I'm not interested. That is not the kind of beauty I want to pursue.

When I was five years old I had "plastic surgery" (I still think that is a better name then its sanitized replacement "cosmetic"). My parents had been told that the birthmark on my face needed to be removed before I went to school. Their reasoning had to do with the emotional harm it would do to have this brown mark on my lip. So sometime mid-kindergarten, I had a skin graft from behind my ear and the birthmark was removed. They "fixed" my imperfection...or so they thought. The graft didn't heal properly and I was left with a raised scar. Sometime when I was six they tried to fix it but the result was a larger, red and noticeable mark on my upper lip made even more obvious by the missing cupids bow. So, instead of a natural mark on my face, I had an unnatural looking scar.  This man-made attempt to make me more acceptable only served to make things worse. This caused countless questions along with ugly name calling  from peers and adults (who often scrunched up their face as they questioned "What happened to your lip?!"). The scars left on the inside went unnoticed for years and my attempts to prove my worth only brought more distance between myself and those around me.

As I grew older, my weight became a constant struggle. I could have become thankful that now my face was acceptable when I would hear, "You have such a pretty face, you would be beautiful if you lost weight!". The media, daily life and unfortunately church held no safe haven for a girl who wasn't the "right" size. What I find "beautiful" is that although I weigh substantially more than I did then, I now know where my true worth and beauty come from. The magic number of pounds shed that I believed were going to add to my worth was a tiny percentage of what it would take now to reach that goal weight (or pinnacle of perfection) that alluded me for so long.

There are a thousand stories within this story but lets flip the pages ahead to the present. Where I am now, what I am learning and the joy that is filling my soul. I am much more settled in who I am because I know much better now, whose I am.

God is my only judge. He created me, He loves me and He gets to tell me if I am beautiful or not. If we judge beauty by societal standards, nobody will ever match up and we miss the Creator's intent. We miss seeing His heart and we miss seeing His true beauty in ourselves and in others. We end up pursuing the unattainable and in that pursuit we are never satisfied, never filled up and for many, never able to grasp the intimacy that the One who created us intended to have with Him. 

As I learn to abide in Him, in my Savior, my eyes will be on Him. His love for me will become more evident and His grace will not only flow to me, it will flow through me. When I am walking in His Spirit and grace, my responses to pressure, to life, to things that truly may be ugly will create beauty in the hearts of those around me.

Dear Friends, pursue Him. Pursue the One who makes all things beautiful! Follow hard after the Creator of all beautiful things! Not only will you see beauty, you will experience peace.

Always,

Hope

The Poison You Drink (or eat)

Bitterness is a topic that I have written about before. Over the years I have seen the affects it has had on those who have crossed my path. What fascinates me is how it hurts the person carrying it most. It has been said "Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". I truly believe that but recently and I am watching the results of years of bitterness destroy a family. It's growing and infecting whoever it touches.


Like other things, there are those who hear the gossip and are immune or they don't take it in. It's as if they spiritually or emotionally wash their hands. They seem to have the ability to see matters with a clear perspective. They see the situation for what it is. Sadly, there are those who are quick to hear. They "camp out" amongst the infections, listening to those who spread their own views. They either willingly or unwittingly become carriers of the nasty virus. In this case, this illness could have been eradicated more than decades ago when it was quite small. Instead, some have chosen to not only leave it untreated but to pass it on to others. 


Thankfully, there is a cure. Forgiveness is an amazing gift that you give to yourself that will bless those around you. Forgiveness means choosing not to serve up the offense to yourself or another. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You either walk in it or you don't. Scripture is clear on it. God's Word says:
Matthew 18:21(NKJV) Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
Mark 11: 25 (NASB '84) And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. 26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins.


I am convinced that God won't give you a mandate without giving you the strength to fulfill it.  Henri Nouwen says: "Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives." Keep returning to the God of grace, mercy and love. Forgiveness is a goal well worth pursuing.


Always,


Hope

The Ache in My Heart for Young Women

Maybe it's my tendency to pull for the underdog. Perhaps it's the gift of mercy that God has placed in me. Whatever it is, I am acutely aware of the battles young women fight in this world everyday and it tears at my heart. I am convinced that the search for worth is at the core of their conflict. So my question is, why are we so afraid to speak into the lives of our young people in regards to their worth? Are we trying to teach humility? When did it become more important to "teach" and less important to love?


Society's standards of "excellence" are not only based on a type of unattainable perfection but on things that are temporal. Physical beauty is based on subjective ideals. Monetary achievement can always be lost with a downturn in the economy. Only a few can reach the top of the academic ladder so where does that leave all of the average or below average students? Is it any wonder that so many of our young women find themselves in crisis? We (the older generation) have made them believe that their "doing" will prove their worth! They have to make themselves pretty, smart, desired or rich to feel worth! 


Sadly, many youth ministries haven't done as much to help as one would hope. Endless studies on dating, peer pressure, saving yourself and of course beauty are topics that just succeed in shifting the focus back to the issue instead of the answer. (Can I also mention that all of these subjects seem to be handled with some author's opinion on what the bible says about each topic?) How many youth groups really teach the Word of God? How many focus on knowing what the Scriptures teach? I mean really knowing who God is and who we are in His eyes.


When we begin to make daily study of God's Word a priority, spending time in prayer as we seek an intimate relationship with Him, we are able to see our true worth! Not only that, our direction becomes more clear and our position more defined. When we really know Him, then we begin to know His heart for us, we begin to really know love. Jesus tells us that the two greatest commandments are to “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." (Luke 10:27 NIV'84) Can you get a grip on that? Are we really passing on the importance of loving God with all of who we are? If we are loving God with who we are, doesn't that mean we value what is important to Him? Do you really think His affection is based on our beauty, our bank accounts or our relationship status? Then why do we pass it on in our comments and actions to our youth?


In speaking to women, moms and wives, if I could say just one thing, it would be this, Jeremiah 31:3b says, "“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." He loves you right now. Where you are and who you are with complete unconditional love. The only thing He is asking of you is to love Him.


Always,


Hope

The Many Levels of Valentine's Day

Validation Day. I think of it as a "Performance Day" or "The Day of Great Expectations" both as a mom and as a wife. Let me be clear, these expectations haven't been imposed by anyone but myself. Nevertheless, they can be frustrating and impede my progress.


As a mom, I would love to have showered my kiddos with the grand gifts, crafts and celebrations like other moms do. Just to be organized enough to sit and make outstanding Valentines to pass out in class the next day.

Look what my friend Kris did with her kids last night!

I am sure somewhere on here it says "Made by Supermom"

Yes, these are iPods made out of candy heart boxes and kisses for the ear buds. How crazy cool is that?

Then there is my friend Tonja.

Won't her kids be thrilled?

I don't have a photo of what we did. I didn't have time to get out the camera as I dug through three different closets trying to find the small box of Mickey Mouse cards I bought on clearance last year. We managed to locate the name list to send back to school so the assistants in her class can help The Princess  assemble her cards for her friends. I was feeling positive about it until I started seeing pictures on Facebook of candy covered tables with balloons waiting for the kids to arrive home. Shots of handmade valentines that no doubt included something special for the teacher. (ahem)


It seems that I forgot my own writing about competition. I needed to be reminded that my value comes from what was done for me by a loving and powerful God, not by what I do. That doesn't negate the special things we do for our kids and families. It doesn't at all take away the blessings we find in creating special moments for our family. It certainly doesn't mean that I won't steal ideas for next year! It just means that my worth as a mom doesn't hinge on it.


The other side of the coin is the expectations we put on those around us. In particular, as a wife, it is so easy to put pressure on my husband. You really should feel sorry for the situation that The Coffee Guy found himself in for several years. Was the card big enough? Were the flowers the right color? Did he make restaurant reservations in time? Did he read my mind and book that weekend getaway to Paris or even better, Tuscany? I always measured how much he loved me by how well he met my standards. My impossible, unfair standards that were no doubt created by some TV show that most likely was written by a woman.


Thankfully, we have found freedom. Freedom from having to perform. Freedom to show grace, mercy and true compassion for each other. Freedom to really love each other. That means pursuing love as an action, not as a feeling.

This guy seriously loves me!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a 4 "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails..."


We all need to be allowed to be ourselves. To express and celebrate in our own way and to realize that it really is a blessing to show others their value in who the Creator made them to be as well as snuggle down in the comfort of knowing he adores us too!


Consider yourself validated!


Always,


Hope

Stripping Away the Mom Mask

As the wife of a pastor I am keenly aware that there are plenty of people watching me and my children to see if we are going to mess up. I can tell you right now...we have, we do and we will, just like you will.

The majority of the mistakes I have made are directly related to my need to measure up to the standards of those around me. Since everyone lives by different standards (even within the same church community), you can imagine how confusing that was for all of us. It seemed as if the only way to survive was to acquiesce. Not only did that fail to please the critics, it failed to bless my children.

I grew up 800 miles from our home. Whenever we would go to see family, there was pressure to spend time doing what everyone else thought we should do. We would bend our entire vacation around the expectations of others. No matter how we planned it, someone was offended. We spent more time with someone else or gave them a better part of the day or more often than not, said something someone didn't like. Then it hit me, this was a game we weren't going to win. I learned that no matter what I did, there would be judgement from someone. Once I realized that, I became free. Free to be myself, free to bless my family and free to peel off the mask. From there on out, we chose to do what was best for the family God had given us!

My mask wasn't fooling anyone. Pleasing everybody pleased nobody! Instead, it was confusing to my daughter. I'm sure she spent her early years wondering which mommy to listen to. Private Mommy, wanted her to be her creative, expressive self. Public Mommy who expected her to be compliant it would seem for compliance sake. Private Mommy was fun to be around, Public Mommy was cranky and stressed out. All of this in an effort to prove my worth as a woman and a mother.

I'm two chapters in to the book "Truefaced". Not far enough in to recommend it but already blessed by the freedom I'm finding in who I am. Who my Creator made me to be. It has always been my heart to instill that in my children. Now I feel as if I have the permission to be myself and that is a treasure! I am a flawed, imperfect and fallible woman whose beauty and worth comes from the God of the Universe. My worth is unchanged by the opinions of others. That is freedom for not only you but for your children as well.

What mask are you wearing? Who are you wearing it for? How well is it working?

Always,

Hope

I wrote this for:

Why I Stopped Writing and Why I'm Starting Again

It seems like almost everyone has a blog these days. According to BlogPulse, there were 156 million blogs on the internet as of June 2011. It seems like everyone has something to talk about. The information superhighway has brought more knowledge to our fingertips in the last 25 years than we could have ever imagined "back in the olden days". Unfortunately, along with the information, (not just blogs but Facebook, Twitter and their cousins) the amount of noise is almost deafening. I already have a hard time keeping clutter out of my home so you can imagine what you might find if you were to look through my brain. Piles of information that I may or may not use someday. Sometimes I'm just not sure where to put everything or how to make use of it but I want to try.

I stopped writing because I was having a hard time making sense and I couldn't decide what to put where. Clouding those decisions were questions like "How does this sound?", "How does this look" and the hardest question "Does anyone care?". Then I got advice from my beautiful friend Sarah, who is young and articulate. She is a respected blogger who more is not only articulate but honest and speaks from the heart. She told me "Just write, darling. Just write. It will come eventually the way that it is supposed to come out."

So, that is what I intend to do. I am going to write with one purpose, to share my heart on this journey. My desire is to do it without merely adding to the noise but to simply offer...

HOPE

Gotcha Day Number 12

I know, the first question many of you will ask, "What is Gotcha Day"? There are many of us who have adopted children on a day other than their birthday who celebrate the day we first physically held our children as "Gotcha Day". We tell our kiddos "this is the day that we gotcha"!

For us it was November 8, 1999. After nearly a week of making plans (preceded by years of prayer and longing for another child), hours on the phone with adoption attorneys, agencies and of course the foster parents, we boarded a plane to Southern California and our lives drastically changed in a moment.

No words can describe that moment but every year, on this day, we celebrate. We eat Chinese food, laugh and praise God for every blessing He has given us through this amazing person.

My heart is full today and always will be!