Wrestling with Halloween

This morning I enjoyed a wonderful online event for women at Relate Church. The conversation centered around the need for us to take off our masks to reveal the beauty we all possess. I find it ironic that we are talking about masks on of all days, Halloween. On this day, I celebrate the destruction of a mask I wore for far too long. The mask of pleasing others.

All morning I've been reading differing opinions on the fun and innocence of our North American traditions including trick or treating, harvest parties and other traditions of the day. I have to admit, as a parent, i have spent years struggling with this topic.

Like Megan at A Deeper Story, I grew up in a Southern Baptist home. Mom made our costumes, we carved pumpkins and as we got older found that carrying our pillow cases to the neighboring apartment complexes yielded a large haul of treats. In those days we weren't limited to candy. The neighbors we knew would give out popcorn balls and candied apples.  As we grew older, we could go to church sponsored Halloween parties. Vampires, mummies or witches were common at our events. We didn't see a problem with any of it.

Then I became a parent in a small rural community while attending a church that not only frowned on all things Halloween. Even having a Harvest Party was a compromise that made us all uncomfortable. We made the decision at that time to go to the house of a friend, turn off most of the lights, watch movies and hide from the world. (Much like Daniela Schwartz describes here at SheLovesMagazine.) We even scheduled a surgery for my youngest daughter one year so we could stay in a hotel out of town, avoiding the ringing doorbell. Much to our chagrin, the pharmacist was dressed as a witch, the anesthesiologist wore scrubs covered with jack-o-lanterns and the hotel restaurant staff donned various costumes to sever our dinner. We could not escape.

When we were asked by well meaning folks why we didn't partake, I replied with a variety of answers. "I can buy her candy, she doesn't need to get it for free" or "She plays dress up all year long" plus a few more cringeworthy answers that I'd rather not recall. I was that mom who had a fit when someone would override my request for no jack-o-lanterns, witches or anything related to this "wicked" day. (gulp)

Through the years we became saddened by what we were doing at the core. We were focusing on the behavior, not on the heart. It stopped being about who we are and became about what we did. Oh I know that our behavior stems from what's going on inside of us but in Romans 14 Paul challenges us on "doubtful things". Is it possible that dressing little children up in cute costumes falls into that category? How about passing out treats to the neighborhood children? Nevermind the origins of the day, what is going on today? Right now?

Over time we have slowly become more comfortable taking part in the festivities. It may have started with passing out candy at a friend's home. Our oldest daughter dressed up as a Trinity from The Matrix. We all remember the little voice coming through the door "Thank you secret agent woman!" as she dropped candy in a little boy's sack. We were being softened and challenged at the same time. This really wasn't so bad. It didn't change who our daughter was to allow her to dress up, go out with friends and enjoy a few laughs.

Since then, we have participated differently every year but one thing is the same, we don't shut ourselves off from the world anymore. Some years when it's warm enough, we sit on our porch in the rocking chairs and greet families as they walk up the driveway. When it's cold and rainy, we sit with the light on in front of the fire, playing games, taking turns answering the door (although we usually all go to the door to admire the costumes).

The Princess on her way to and from the ball. The neighbors were delighted to see this little girl arrive on their porch. Even though she can't eat the candy. She can smile and laugh for the neighbors!

Ray showed her creativity

Mr. and Mrs. Ray showing their dark side

Last year

Mickey had to show up somewhere

Just a night of fun!

I really want to be understood. If a family is uncomfortable with Halloween, I don't ever want to question that. I want to choose grace. I choose it for me, my family and those who need it for themselves. For those young parents who feel the pressure one way or another, I encourage you to follow God's voice in your lives, not just for this night but for all nights ahead. There will be much bigger issues as your children grow, learning to tune in now will bless you all along this road.

Always,

Hope

50 Days to 50 - The Unexpected

Day 3

One of the best things I could have ever
taught my older daughter was a lesson only God could teach.

We didn't set out to rescue anyone.

There wasn't a desire to seem noble or heroic.

The path was full of detours that felt like dead ends.

But they were just detours.

The rough roads were part of our journey.

They prepared us in some ways for what was ahead.

Some see children like her, children with disabilities as a burden.

We don't.

We see blessings.

I have been told that she needed us.

No she didn't.

We needed her.

Always,

Hope

(NOTE: This is my Jubilee year. Scripture speaks of this year as a time for restoration and debts to be cancelled. I see it as a time to reflect and to count my blessings. Knowing how precious life is and how miraculous it is, I want to write about His goodness.)

A Reminder About Motherhood

Twenty-one years ago I received my first Mother's Day gift. A small carousel horse statue from The Coffee Guy. Less than two weeks before, we found out that finally and truly I was pregnant. We took a trip north to the big mall where they had a maternity shop and bought a beautiful pink and white dress trimmed in eyelet. I remember using a provided pillow to mimic what I would look like in a few months. It was surreal and breathtaking. It was also a once in a lifetime experience. This was the only time I would experience a pregnancy. I know how incredibly blessed I am, I really do but that doesn't keep me from the mixed emotions I experience this time every year.

My friends, today we honored our mothers and some of us received honor as well. For others, it was a day of sadness as well and to my sisters, I want you to know that you are loved, prayed for and not at all far from my heart.

You are...

The woman who knew that placing your child to be raised in another family would bring you untold grief but hope for a better future for your child.

A mother whose pregnancy ended too early or in tragedy.

The mother who through unimaginable sorrow had to pick out a casket far too soon.

The family who still aches over failed adoptions.

The person whose mother lacked the ability to parent.

The sister who is trying another round of IVF after the last IVF pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

The young newlywed whose family has a history of infertility who had to sit as two friends whose children were unplanned, stand with the other mothers at church to be honored on Mother's Day.

The list is endless.

While I was pondering this post, my cousin posted a blog that was written last Thursday. She says more clearly and concisely what my heart has been trying to say. An Open Letter To Pastors: (A Non Mom Speaks About Mother's Day)

It resonated with me and I am happy to say, it was an incredibly popular post for this young writer. I hope that the message reaches churches loud and clear!

(I Can) Always,

Hope

Gotcha Day Number 12

I know, the first question many of you will ask, "What is Gotcha Day"? There are many of us who have adopted children on a day other than their birthday who celebrate the day we first physically held our children as "Gotcha Day". We tell our kiddos "this is the day that we gotcha"!

For us it was November 8, 1999. After nearly a week of making plans (preceded by years of prayer and longing for another child), hours on the phone with adoption attorneys, agencies and of course the foster parents, we boarded a plane to Southern California and our lives drastically changed in a moment.

No words can describe that moment but every year, on this day, we celebrate. We eat Chinese food, laugh and praise God for every blessing He has given us through this amazing person.

My heart is full today and always will be!

The Sixth Grade In My Dreams

(Note: I started this on the first day of school but things have been hectic. I decided to finish and publish it anyway.)
No matter if your sixth grader attends the last year of elementary or the first year of middle school, sixth grade is a big deal. There are so many changes, expectations of a new level of maturity and relationships with classmates begin to change throughout the year. Well, that is for typical students, not for The Princess and this morning, I am having a hard time with it.
This is the first year she won't advance with her class. The typical sixth graders are at the middle school this year. She will to attend the Complex Needs Classroom for at least another year and truly, I am grateful that we have that resource. I was very glad when I heard the news in May that we would be staying, but today I felt the tinge of sadness that although this is "our normal", this wasn't our dream. This is our stark reality as well as hers.
I know I'm not alone (though sometimes it feels like it).
Even with that, I still like the "back to school" season. I like the newness, the crispness in the air and the over all feel of the activity. I do better with structure and I know The Princess is happy to be busier. She is working hard on learning to stand and the communication exercises seem to be helping. Someday I may really get to know what she is thinking. Will she care that she doesn't "fit in"? Will she notice that she isn't typical? Will she stay blissfully unaware? (I have to admit I hope so.)
So this is where we are for now. This is our life. We trade worrying about boys, mean girls and the pitfalls of middle school for timing her g-tube feedings, getting her incontinence supplies delivered and making sure her services at school allow her to go as far as she can in her life. In the meantime, we enjoy the smallest of moments and the biggest triumphs. We will continue to experience the treasure the God has placed in our lives.
Always,




HOPE

Freedom From Competition

This is not a writing about kids sports and the current trend towards removing competition and scoring in order to make everyone feel good. I have no problem with children (and even adults) competing in sports, band performances or other scored activities that cause them to work hard to achieve goals. Measuring yourself against other athletes can help you to improve in areas that are important to you.

As a mom, woman and daughter I have met more than my share of "competitors" in my life. Those women who cook better, clean faster and keep up with more children. Mothers who gave birth quicker, weaned later and still have time to make gifts for all of the teachers, bus drivers and aides at their children's schools. Their children walked sooner, spoke fluently early and of course were potty trained before anyone else's. I would love to tell you that I never tried to keep up but that would be a lie.

I too wasted many moments of my life trying to measure up to the standards of those around me. Being content with doing my best took second place to being first place. Attending certain functions meant making the most outstanding attractive dish, making people laugh or saying something memorable and profound.

Then along came the Princess. What a game changer she turned out to be. The focus turned from being the best to doing whatever was best for this vulnerable and sometimes very sick human being. Pursuing the best for her meant researching therapies, surgeries and treatments to allow her to be the best that she could be. For her to have the opportunity to someday walk, communicate and live through each scary hospital stay, my time would have to turn to seeking those things for her. We only compare to other children with her syndrome because it helps to try out what has worked for some an not for others.

What is so great about life lessons is that they bleed over into all areas. Being part of something is much more enjoyable when you don't have to be the best but your best. You don't have to win arguments in order to be valuable in fact sometimes its better not to win. You can't grow from believing you already have the answers. Growth comes from pursuing what we don't know.

The other lesson comes from knowing that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". You really don't get that until you look into the face of a child who will never enter a competition let alone win one. This verse was not written only for the child whose name will be in the paper announcing their big achievement. Its not just pro-life rhetoric. It is the truth about every human ever created. Every person who has never even scored a point or achieved academic greatness is made as wonderfully as those who have.

God does not see us in light of our achievement but the light of His love. You cannot earn His grace, you only need to reach out and accept it. I am so blessed that He doesn't only accept my failures, he turns them into triumphs. I am a winner in the eyes of a loving God and in pursuit of being the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and cook I can be at this moment. Most of all I am free.

Always,

Hope

The Year of Lasts

As parents we spend a lot of time photographing, journaling and videotaping our children's firsts. First steps, first words, first spinach, first dayS of school, first dateS, first jobS are all celebrated with victorious applause. This year, our Ray of Sunshyne is celebrating a year of "lasts".


Last first day of school,

last high school drama performance,

last marching band half time show,

and this morning, sending her on her last choir tour (at 6:45 a.m.!).

This is far from the end of our "lasts". In the very near future, we have the last prom, last day of school, last day living at home and more. Some lasts we anticipate while some aren't noticed until long after the fact.

All of this of course is bittersweet. This is what we hope for our children. We hope they will get to grow up, become responsible adults and move on into the world. I am keenly aware that far too many families have children that will not experience this for one reason or another but the majority will. Many will realize too late that those years ahead were much shorter than we thought. Anything we might have put off has passed us by.

Today's encouragement is this, whatever place you are at in your life today, savor it. Like my friend Sarah, savor the morning routine. Justin and Victoria know that although the firsts are taking their time getting here, every day is to be celebrated. Then there is my friend Abbie who along with her husband, just added their fourth child to the family but takes time every day to tackle the small things. My reading list of blogs is filled with women who inspire me, bless me and remind me again of how precious every moment is. I in turn (being the "older woman") hope to inspire the younger women as well to take those moments I took for granted over the last 18+ years and capture them. Take mental photographs, images that are for no one but yourself. Life turns on a dime and today really is all we have. This moment is all we truly get to hold on to and even then it really is only a moment.

Thanks for indulging me today. It is my time of life to get reflective, misty eyed and downright emotional. I am blessed beyond measure with this life I've been given. It is not without pain, trials or regrets but its full of purpose, joy and peace.

Always,

Hope

Parenting Your Parents

Mom called it "the Sandwich Generation". Parenting your children at the same time you are taking care of your parents. In reality, I don't have to take care of my Dad. He is still very capable of taking care of himself. I guess I am just protective.
Today he is traveling back to his home. His flight has already been delayed over an hour causing him to miss his connection. I found myself speaking to the airlines, calling siblings near his home who will be picking him up and keeping constant contact with my husband who has to wait away from the gate to make sure Dad gets out of town okay. All of this and when I texted Dad, he assured me that he was taking care of it and that he would be ok. He already had gate agents working on a solution to keep him from waiting five plus hours at the connecting airport.
What I need to remind myself is that it was only last year that he was still taking care of my Mom. Sure, she was living in an assisted facility but anyone who has a family member with special needs of any sort knows, there is still constant care involved. There are always calls to make, supplies to purchase, appointments to keep and decisions to make.
So just like we need to do while parenting our children, pause, pray and release. Hold on to only what is necessary, step in only when truly needed and trust that the Lord is in control especially when I am not. Most of all, I need to continue to let him be the parent. Nobody really wants to be hovered over especially after 60 years of independence.
So when would you step in? Just what cue would you look for in this case?

Always,

Hope