When It's Time to Tell the Story

I wanted to wait until I was at the end of my journey to write about this one. The problem with that is, this won't end until my life on earth is done. That will be the day I'll receive my heavenly body and the story that I am living now won't really matter.

It matters now so it is now I will begin the telling.

Food, weight, body image, diets, exercise and anything in between has been a life long battle. I attended my first "diet club" meeting at the age of 13 so it's fair to say that for thirty seven years I have waged war in some way or another. There has never been a moment when I didn't care but a million moments where I didn't know how to care. If you think about it, finding one answer to weight loss for every person on the planet hasn't been done. Because every body is created  in such a unique way and every human experience has fed into the problem the answer itself is personal.

In Facebook terms, my relationship status with food would look like this:

Of course that would apply to body image and a dozen other pieces of my life as well. I suppose it has been a long time coming but for my own body, my own spiritual, emotional and physical health, the knots of confusion began to unravel over the past few years.

As I try to figure out just where the beginning of this healing path began for me I'm finding that there has never been just one piece of the puzzle. There hasn't been one great epiphany or discovery. It is all part of the journey. I don't even know if it's a new path as much as a new portion of a very long path for me. Just as living an unhealthy life for so long and not knowing where to get off, this has been a slow road to health in which I am not sure just where I got on.

In fact, after years of taking "before" pictures, there isn't one for this. With countless photos that have no "after" I gave up on creating a line in the sand. After years of feeling like a failure weighed in on me heavier than the scale at the gym did, I wasn't willing to purposely document this one. This turned out to be a great decision because the one portrait I turn to for comparison can only show you my outside progress. What you can't see is that the joy of healing and grace and peace had already rooted so deeply in my heart that the smile in my eyes tells more than the size of my pants or my favorite grey sweater.

There are some significant moments along that way that I can point to in this road of change.

*A blood test that pointed to a pre-diabetic condition steered me away from eating certain food and in the path of healing nutrition.

*When the understanding of God's grace took deep root in my soul, I began to understand the freedom He intended to lavish on me from the beginning.

*The beauty of being His beloved overwhelmed my heart to settle into me the depth of His love and my worth in His eyes. It doesn't change with my eating habits or my size. It is a immovable and steadfast as His love for me.

*He used soul sisters to reveal the gift of food in ministry and community as we break bread together. Food He created is a gift we can share and the sacred ministry of sharing a meal with another being, if embraced, can bring unity and healing and strength.

*Perhaps writing An Open Love Letter (to My Own Body) helped me see things in a new light.

As in any place in our lives that demand growth, to be sure, there are things that I have had to give up. Anyone who tells you that you can attain health without giving up unhealthy habits is selling something  This is my Creator I am talking about. In the giving up of those things, I have opened up the space for experiencing life, not death.

Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?"

Matthew 22:37,28 “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Love him with all your mind.(Deuteronomy 6:5) 38 This is the first and most important commandment." 

Two of the many Scripture that have made this part of the path make sense. I'm a woman who needs direction and it is in the pages of God's Word that I find the most. After all, He created me for a relationship with Him and food to sustain this body so I can have a relationship with you.

While I still reside on earth, I don't expect there to be a true "after" but a I hope you don't mind if a few "during" shots show up here

 and there.

Always, 

Hope

The Weight of Comparisons and Judgement

I caught a conversation on Twitter tonight. The topic was women and how they often think marriage is going to complete their lives. They are unsatisfied with staying single and become disillusioned once they do get married. 

One theory was that so many married couples put forth an image of perfection that is intimidating. When compared to the reality in our own lives, we feel like utter failures. The bar is set really high.

The truth is, even the most vibrant unions aren't flawless. They have strength through adversity. When faced with trials and pain, it's the couples with durability that form the deep bonds of affection that so many desire. Even knowing this it's hard to allow others to see that. Very few want to show off the grit in their lives. Especially when most couples work hard to look like they have it all together.

In an earlier post titled "Discussing Weighty Matters" I chronicled my journey of battling issues of weight loss, gain, value and esteem. My belief is that we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others. We allow those around us to set a standard for life, love, beauty and worth that is based on performance. We give little leeway for human frailty and make up our own definition of failure. We forget that those women that have those enviable bodies are just as human inside as we are.

If we could really see inside the lives of those we envy, we may very well have more reason to feel satisfied with our own lives. When I see someone through he eyes of disgust and judgement, it's time to ask their Creator to show me how He sees them. How can we judge someone's heart by what we see on the outside? A better question, by what authority do we stand on to judge another?

I am convinced that if we see them the way God sees them, we would fall on our knees with compassion, grace and mercy. The same goes for ourselves, when we desire what someone else has, the Lord wants us to see how He sees us.

You are a valuable creation. You are made in His image. His desire is to have a relationship with you full of joy and peace.

Always,

Hope

I Don't Always Say the Right Thing

A Box of Hope

I'll let you all in on a little secret.

I don't always say the right thing.


There, I admitted it. *wipes sweat off brow*

I try, I really really try but the truth is, I sometimes let my emotions lead. It is usually a bad idea but it happens. I say things or right write things or Tweet things that I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I use the delete button and other times I just let my cringeworthy comments hang out there for all the world to see.

That is a big deal for me.

You see, growing up I often heard that I should just "be myself". While trying to "be myself" there were always messages around me about how "girls should act" and how "Christians should act" and how "someone your age" should act. The problem is, with all the mixed messages bombarding me,  it took a lot longer for me to find out who that was. I am still not sure that I know exactly who I am but I'm really ok with that.

I am free! I am released to figure it out. I'm still young and as far as I know healthy so I will continue to make it an adventure!

That makes me giddy. It fills me with joy! It even makes me really really happy!

So for now, I'll keep resting in whose I am. I'll be determined to walk in the spirit and rest in the Love of the One who loves me most! Thanks for coming along with me.

Always,

Hope

Teaching Our Children to Seek What Matters

I want to be Sarah when I grow up.


There, I said it! I want to be a thirtysomething, fiery redhead, living in Canada, raising three tinies and passionately loving Jesus with every fiber of my soul. Ok, not really, I am so blessed with what God is doing in me here and now with my 40something life in the States where I am learning everyday about His grace.

Sarah knows I love her. I have told her more than once. I will keep telling her. I am so blessed by what God is doing in her and through her. She has wisdom that would seem to be beyond her years but this is coming from an older woman who longingly looks back to those years, wondering "what if" I was that wise back in those days.

~~~~~~

My friend Sarah wrote this morning about how her almost six year old daughter mentioned that she wants to lose weight. In her usual form, she handled it with intelligence, eloquence, passion and love. Sarah spoke my heart about our value in God's eyes. She guided her daughter in a beautiful discussion on the path of focusing on what is really important.

I have shared my feelings about true beauty in women. As I read her piece this morning, my mind immediately went to my own Princess. The one born with a rare genetic disorder that caused multiple birth defects. My little girl will always wear diapers, is learning to walk at the age of 12, does not have the ability to speak and would seem to be locked in a body that will never be considered the world's standard of "beauty" and it makes me sad.

Taken by Shae Steffensen
A true artist who knows about true beauty

Don't get me wrong, I am not sad for my girl. She has an intimacy with her Creator. You know, the one who says she is "fearfully and wonderfully made". She is strong, gentle, kind, spunky, funny and so beautiful that sometimes I stare at her. It is society that is missing out. People who are not the "right" height, weight, race, intelligence or "socio economic group" to be considered as valuable. Yet, the God who made us, sees our everything in us. He sees our past, present, future and loves us with "an everlasting love". He sees our follies, our focus with our imperfect hearts and still adores us.

Yesterday a friend voiced frustration about her son's stature always being pointed out. I have seen this same discussion about individuals who are taller than most as well. I wonder, at what height does someone get to avoid the comments? At what weight do we become acceptable? When I was young it was the MetLife Weight charts, then it went to BMI and now that is being abolished! How can we hold people to a standard when the standard keeps changing?


My goal is God's standard for me. You can't find that on a weight chart or in a size standard. Besides, what good would being thin be if I lacked grace, mercy, kindness and devotion for God? How about, like Sarah, teaching our children the value of truly accepting what is unique about each one of us. If we allow our focus to simply be to what Jesus said in Matthew 22:37 “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’


Always,




Hope