Mother's Day Thoughts

Just now, as I finished reading four updates from CaringBridge, a website for families to share their medical journeys with friends  and families, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. A sense that I must admit, I wasn't feeling earlier this evening.
With this Year of Lasts, comes transitions into a different phase of motherhood. Mother's Day takes on a whole new look and feel. There really isn't time for brunch when your child's new job requires that she serve brunch to her patrons. We didn't attend church as a family because she wanted to attend her own home church with her boyfriend who returned from out of state this week. Our family meal was not just the four of us but the boyfriend's family too. Of course, it was my second Mother's Day without my own mother which was harder leading up to it because the numbness from last year is now gone. 
Then I read four updates from Mother's who all have very different stories to tell of Mother's day. First is Holly Mcrae whose little girl Kate is fighting a deadly brain tumor. She and her little girl are alone getting treatments in another state while the rest of the family tries to find some "normalcy" in life. 
Next is Tami who woke up to alarms on her daughter's pump this morning. They have spent nearly three years fighting a mystery illness that has meant months at a time of hospitals. Since Madalyn can't eat, Mother's Day meal will not involve every child in the family.
Chelsea is still seeking a diagnosis for her son as she raises him by herself with numerous seizures a day. Almost losing Ezekiel last month is still fresh in her mind.
There is Chris who spent her first Mother's Day without her sweet Sammie. Osteosarcoma took this brave girl at the age of 12 after a valiant three year fight. During this fight, Sammie began a charity to provide bunnies at Easter for other sick children. This year hundreds of children had something extra to cuddle thanks to this beautiful soul.
Besides all of those, my friend Sue-Ellen lost her only son in a military accident about three years ago. Mother's Day is the hardest day of the year for her. It is beyond my ability to even imagine the pain she experienced on this day.
So as I had headed to bed, feeling as if this wasn't what I had hoped for in a Mother's Day, the Lord used His gentle, loving way to draw me in and hold me in His arms. He returned my focus to where it should be and reminded me that I was right where he wanted me to be.

Always,

Hope

PS: Please remember to pray for each of these families and the thousands like them who battle medical issues everyday but still have the courage to carry on!

Healing On The Inside

There are days when I feel inner strength that just can't be explained. There are also times when I can't explain my feeling of weakness but it's there. From somewhere deep inside, it bubbles to the surface, catching me off guard and I feel myself crumbling. My emotions become fragile and every interaction is a delicate operation. I have had several of those days this week.

Coming off of almost nine days of being housebound with The Princess, my strength was hard to find. I had fallen behind in the small things which began to feel like an overwhelming mountain of responsibility. Not only that, my prayer time was dwindling and my desire to sit and read God's Word was non existent. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear from Him, I wasn't sure I could handle the weight of it. The funny thing is, He only wants to lift my burdens, not add to them but that becomes hard to see when the cloud of fatigue and emotion starts to consume us.

I made myself go to Wednesday night class at church. I had already missed one week and although The Princess was doing better, her helper wasn't going to be there so I had an excuse to stay home but didn't use it. The teacher (whom I love dearly) discussed the question of what we were doing with our time. Ouch! That was one of the struggles I've had was not investing even the smallest amount of time in the things that I know will heal my soul. Falling back into the "all or nothing" approach if I couldn't read all of the daily Scripture in my Life Journal, then I read none. The encouragement there was to take in whatever I could and let it grow in me.

Over the next few days, I made it a priority to do whatever it would take to resume healing. Take in some fresh air, spend time with friends watching a Disney movie, ride my new bike and make a date happen with The Coffee Guy. At first we couldn't remember the last time we had dressed up to go out to dinner (the answer is October, on our 20th anniversary trip). Just the quietness of the evening was the refreshment we both so badly needed.

Then there was today. Spending time in corporate worship, where the songs of praise just wash over you and you can't help but just stand and sing to your Creator, is healing in itself. But then the Pastor began to share with the words the Lord had given to him out of His Bible reading in his Life Journal, I could feel the wounds begin to heal inside.

He read from Psalms 139:13,14 "¹³ For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well."   A beautiful reminder of the choice He made to create me. The fact that He has a plan. He even mentioned The Princess by name and how wonderfully made even she is. From the genetic disorder to every medical anomaly in her little body, His plan is perfect and He sees the beauty that our earthly eyes cannot see.

I needed that. I needed to see through my questions about where He wants me. When I wonder about how much more I could do to reach out to others, to serve God and to feel like I am doing my part in this world, I only need to realize that this is part of His plan for me. The most important thing for now is that He does have a plan for my life.

Always,

Hope