There are days when I feel inner strength that just can't be explained. There are also times when I can't explain my feeling of weakness but it's there. From somewhere deep inside, it bubbles to the surface, catching me off guard and I feel myself crumbling. My emotions become fragile and every interaction is a delicate operation. I have had several of those days this week.
Coming off of almost nine days of being housebound with The Princess, my strength was hard to find. I had fallen behind in the small things which began to feel like an overwhelming mountain of responsibility. Not only that, my prayer time was dwindling and my desire to sit and read God's Word was non existent. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear from Him, I wasn't sure I could handle the weight of it. The funny thing is, He only wants to lift my burdens, not add to them but that becomes hard to see when the cloud of fatigue and emotion starts to consume us.
I made myself go to Wednesday night class at church. I had already missed one week and although The Princess was doing better, her helper wasn't going to be there so I had an excuse to stay home but didn't use it. The teacher (whom I love dearly) discussed the question of what we were doing with our time. Ouch! That was one of the struggles I've had was not investing even the smallest amount of time in the things that I know will heal my soul. Falling back into the "all or nothing" approach if I couldn't read all of the daily Scripture in my Life Journal, then I read none. The encouragement there was to take in whatever I could and let it grow in me.
Over the next few days, I made it a priority to do whatever it would take to resume healing. Take in some fresh air, spend time with friends watching a Disney movie, ride my new bike and make a date happen with The Coffee Guy. At first we couldn't remember the last time we had dressed up to go out to dinner (the answer is October, on our 20th anniversary trip). Just the quietness of the evening was the refreshment we both so badly needed.
Then there was today. Spending time in corporate worship, where the songs of praise just wash over you and you can't help but just stand and sing to your Creator, is healing in itself. But then the Pastor began to share with the words the Lord had given to him out of His Bible reading in his Life Journal, I could feel the wounds begin to heal inside.
He read from Psalms 139:13,14 "13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well." A beautiful reminder of the choice He made to create me. The fact that He has a plan. He even mentioned The Princess by name and how wonderfully made even she is. From the genetic disorder to every medical anomaly in her little body, His plan is perfect and He sees the beauty that our earthly eyes cannot see.
I needed that. I needed to see through my questions about where He wants me. When I wonder about how much more I could do to reach out to others, to serve God and to feel like I am doing my part in this world, I only need to realize that this is part of His plan for me. The most important thing for now is that He does have a plan for my life.